How To Resolve Conflict In A Marriage?

You know those arguments that you seem to have over and over again with your significant other? You wonder how the two of you can just get past this issue. Or you wish that your partner would just come to their senses and agree with you (guilty!). There is another way. According to Dr’s John and Julie Gottman, these repetitive, unsolvable conflicts are normal in a relationship. That is, they occur for most of us, and have little to do with whether your relationship is ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’. It may not feel that way in the moment, I know.

I love the Gottman’s approach to working with couples as it’s evidence-based and practical. With ongoing conflicts, they don’t recommend trying to solve the issue, but rather changing the dialogue around how you discuss them. It takes some of the pressure off to know that you don’t have to solve what can seem an unsolvable issue. Many times, couples get locked into their positions, which results in frustration and resentment. What we want to learn to do is hear our partner’s side, and be heard in return. Specifically, we want to understand the meaning and value that our partner holds toward their position. This can be difficult in the moment, but it is possible.

As an example, let’s say that you and your partner repeatedly argue about money. Perhaps one partner’s value around money is about security and safety, while the other partner’s value reflects their need for autonomy. When we learn why we each are invested in our position, we gain a better understanding of ourselves and our partner. We can also learn where we each may be willing to compromise, and we are are not.

If you’d like more information, I recommend checking out Dr John and Julie Gottman’s selection of books.